We're Reporting today on the latest piece of fuckery from the buffoons up The Tower. A showcase website, would you believe, highlighting all that is good about the borough. It is designed to show Oldham in a positive light. About the only light Oldham would look good in would be firelight. Anyhow, let's see what it has to say about this promised land. We are told '..it's a culturally diverse, rich in industrial heritage and vibrant town. Offering opportunity for fun or relaxation to visitors and residents alike. Why not visit one of Oldham’s many attractions?' Why not indeed. Let's have a look at a few. First up there's shopping at the 'award winning Tommyfield Market' (sic). '..A bustling haven for bargain hunters. The Market is steeped in character and tradition and combines both modern and traditional facilities.' Fucking brilliant, that, you'll find the market strewn along Curzon and Albion streets. That is if the bloody tents haven't blown off across the Cheshire Plain. What has it won this award for? Least number of stalls ? Most attractive car park? The online map of the town centre shows the market hall as Tommyfield Market. There are also traditional markets at Royton and Shaw. That is, if the stallholder turns up. Next up we have The Spindles Town Square Shopping Centre. Located right in the heart of Oldham, shopaholics will be in paradise with lots of opportunity to either browse or spend in an abundance of shops. You’ll find most of the top high street names in clothing and fashion, jewellery, entertainment and toys..' are not here. It is, we are told, '..Easily accessible via all forms of transport. The nearest station is Oldham Mumps. From Mumps take a leisurely stroll up Yorkshire Street into the town centre.' If you are going back the same way you are in for a long bleeding wait at Mumps. No I am not making all this up! So, what else is waiting for our delectation? How about a walk along the Rochdale Canal, admire the dead things floating in it and the fleets of ocean going supermarket trolleys, bobbing gently at their moorings. Or, go for a sail at Dovestones. Watch the numpties diving into four centimetres of water from sixty feet? Watch the helicopter landing. See the colourful flashing lights. This is more like it. Just like a movie set. There are approximately 127 references to the attractions of Saddleworth ( in whine country.) In Oldham we have Gallery Oldham, The Coliseum theatre and...well that's about it really. You could take a walk around Oldham town centre and 'enjoy the treasures of Oldham's past, observing the scope and detail of its Victorian architecture.' See the wonder of the old Town Hall. Marvel at the ancient patina of mould and algae coating the classical facade. take a few moments to study the wooden window panes showing pastoral scenes from town life. The upper floors contain many architectural gems. Should you wish to see these, they can now be found in the basement. Pick up your complimentary laptop computer at the aesthetically pleasing Tower of Babble on West street. Built in the Bulgarian Byzantine style it is a marvel of the concrete pourers art. From there take a leisurely stroll down exclusive Yorkshire Street, home of exclusive shops and exclusive bars and 'restaurants'. They call it exclusive 'cos at weekend anyone in uniform is excluded. What next? Ah, where to stay! Clicking on Town centre accommodation brings up two hotels right there in the thick of things. First we have the Premier Inn Oldham (Central), their words not mine. This is located next to Boundary Park, so handy for the shops and local amenities a mere two miles away. Second up Travelodge Oldham, on Manchester Street. 'A prime location for business or pleasure.' Within walking distance of town centre Oldham. Yeah, sure! Take a leisurely stroll through the delightfully quiet streets and picturesque subways, cross the Crystal Bridge with its fascinating groups of diverse local characters, showcasing their different cultures and pastimes. For the more energetic among you, try Kick-boxing, the local sport. The Royal Oldham Hospital is reasonably close. It has a fine Accident and Emergency Department and the many wards offer fine scope to the collector of the rarer infections.
Did I mention Gallery Oldham and The Coliseum? Oh yeah, already done them. Here's another gem. '..Why not visit the Queen Elizabeth Hall. It offers a VARIED and EXCITING programme of music and entertainment, 'to suit all tastes.' But not if your taste happens to be beer! Chadderton Town Hall has 'charming' gardens and a beautiful ballroom (renovated). Stop by and see the fabulous Christmas lights. These burn night and day from July onwards until the great switch off (or fuse blowing ceremony as it is known) around the middle of December. Take a tour of Charlie 'Turd' Parker's office suite. Marvel at the minimalism and frugality of the furnishings and the pension pot growing ever bigger. What about sport, I hear you cry (and cry you will). Well, we have the multitasking super sports facility that is Boundary Park. Home to Oldham Athletic Nil, and also, when 'Latics haven't fallen out with them, Oldham Roughyeds RL team. Now, the Roughyeds are to move into their own luxury stadium in Limeside, the long awaited replacement for 'Sheddings, stolen by the Council some fourteen years ago. Full marks for the quick resolution of this by OMBC. Take care if going to BP. It is not on Prestbury Drive as shown on the Town Map. If either of the Latics fans are reading this, they might like to take a look at the aerial photo of BP. It looks like it has been invaded by an alien life form.
So, what else is there? Very little actually. Everything else seems to be about fields and canals in Saddleworth (in whine country). They do have the 'Talking Point Conference and Exhibition Centre' though getting there might be a little problematic as the online map shows it to be in Peckham S. London, home of Del Boy and Rodney. Should get along nicely with the Sadd spivs. You know it makes sense. Have I told you about Gallery Oldham and the Coliseum. Yep I see I have. Last but not least we have a list of the great and the good who had the misfortune to be born here. They didn't linger long though. Most of them couldn't get out of the town quick enough. The strange thing is, that even though these worthies are supposedly famous, the spaces on the website for photo's of them are 99% blank with 'No image available' stamped on them. Really? Though in the case of Christopher Biggins I'm happy to forego the pleasure of having him leering at me. The same applies to dozens of the locations in the guide. Are you telling us there are no pics of the old Town Hall, The QE hall, Chadderton Town Hall, The Tower of Babble, David Platt, Mark Owen and Iestyn Harris? Gettaway! A£cock, member for Evasion and Inactivity, has a camera, send him out and about snapping away as he leads pot-hole identifying tours of the borough.
Let's give the last word to The Feeder of The Council, Jolly boy Sy£es and I quote: " Oldham is thriving and bustling and boasts some of the best facilities for miles around in terms of shopping, sports, entertainment and leisure. The good thing about this site is that it promotes a wide range of activities for people of all budgets and tastes and with money being a bit tight at the moment, you do not have to spend a lot to enjoy them." "We'll spend it for you. In spades." He got the date wrong as well. If you are going to produce something like this, then you need enough interesting and attractive material to fill the available space. To produce this with so many blanks and mistakes shows the slapdash careless attitide of this council, something we've come to expect. It looks like amateur hour. Am I surprised?
Should you wish to waste a precious part of your life reading this drivel: The Council Comic, or Saddleworth Whine List, as it is known, can be found at http://www.visitoldham.com/ WARNING! Have a box of tissues to hand. You'll need to dry the tears from your eyes. I threw me back out laffin.
No comments:
Post a Comment