NEXT TRAM'S GONE....!

Ladies and gentlemen, we apologise for the non-arrival of the first tram. Somebody promised somebody else something, you know how it is. Anyhow, to cut a long story short, it's fucked off to Chorlton!  It won't be coming morons. We did have a small problem with track-laying in as much as the southbound track-laying team just missed  meeting up with the northbound track-laying team. It was only a midge's out, but for a while no-one caught on until one ganger, smarter than the rest, realised the line was passing through the centre of Stoke-on-Trent. There were a few red faces I can tell you. Some numb fuck  A transport expert proposed the bright idea of a non-stop line from Oldham to Burslem. This idea was dropped when it was realised that Oldham and Burslem are virtually identical shit-heaps and it was felt passengers may get confused and not know which end of the line they were at so we took up the track and threw it away. This appeared to us to be the cheapest option.  In the coming months we are going to fuck and fiddle about with various portions of the system  pile of shite, probably until sometime next year or maybe later, depending on how arsed we are about it. In the meanwhile keep smiling folks, look how much brighter it is around the Mumps area now we have got rid of all that ugly shite cluttering up the place. We shall, for the foreseeable future, continue to dig up every tossing road in the area. We depreciate your business and know how much it pisses you off having to detour via Chapel-en-le-Frith. But look on the bright side folks you are getting to see places you'd only dreamt of previously. As soon as we get this latest super technological system overpriced heap of junk up and running, we will inform you, our travelling public. As compensation for to-days disappointment we plan to offer various chances for passengers to participate in the operation of this new cutting edge technology simple Victorian transport system. To start with,  in the weeks immediately after the off, we shall be offering ring-side seats as passengers get to see first hand how we deal with a derailment. Seats for this spectacle will be allocated according to how many days travellers have been trapped on the platform at Mumps.  Passengers on the stricken vehicle will, of course, incur no further charges while the entertainment  rescue takes place, other than hot drinks and meals from the TfGM trolley, which will pass along the tram, twice daily. Other treats planned include points failure viewing, signalling problems explained (sort of) and talks. complete with detailed
 drawings of how you managed to fetch up in Barrow in Furness.

Other than that folks, keep your moaning gobs shut. We know what we are doing, (we do! Don't we Dad?) and if we get stuck we can always ask Coun Knowless, he's a perfesser and expert on transport technology, he says.
That's the end of this update message folks. Just a reminder that fares will increase by a measly eighteen percent next week, but will still represent excellent value for money. Thank you for travelling Metrolink and we hope you have a pleasant and safe journey.


A. Spokesperson:

METROLINK .... MAKING LIFE EASIER FOR MORONS