Our resident team of Hackers have, once more, managed to slip unnoticed behind the firewalls of our leader Jim Pudden Face's blog. Here again we reveal the inner thoughts of the Council Waffle Maker as he
attempts another snow job on the people of Oldham.
Blog The third:
ECONOMIC concerns are again driving this week’s headlines and deadlines.
The cut in the UK growth forecast to just 1.1 per cent for 2011 is just the latest reminder, as if one were needed, of the challenges that all of you are facing. We, fortunately, will not be joining you. A lot of us have other jobs beside fucking about with you idiots serving selflessly on various committees. It is important that we work conscientiously at these other jobs as failure could bring the sack, unlike our council gravy boats where we can fuck everything up and you lot can go whistle Dixie.
Everyone across our Borough – residents, staff and businesses alike – are looking over their shoulders and trying to protect their bottom line. Unfortunately for you residents, you now find that the bottom line is way above your heads. Howie 'King Chip' Sykes has lined his bottom with another two inches of lard since restrictions on councillor's chip allowances were removed. Local MP Mickey 'Ten Houses' Meacher is busy just protecting his bottom as there is a nasty outbreak of the Sutti Licanus virus doing the rounds.
For most people that means constantly monitoring finances – and looking at how to cut costs with the minimum impact on your welfare.
The challenge is exactly the same for Oldham Councillors - looking at how to cut costs with the minimum impact on our exes while we put more of you on welfare.
Our balancing act is to find £24 million in savings from next year’s budget whilst continuing to invest in priority areas for residents, plan for the future and protect the front-line services that you depend upon. We know and I suspect that some of the brighter ones among you have figured out that this has a difficulty level akin to knitting fog. In fact it's like having sex standing up in a hammock - fucking impossible.
Priorities for residents we are investing in include, but are not limited to - demolishing a lot more of those unsightly old houses to improve the view. Closing a large part of the town centre so residents will not make wasted journeys looking for goods in nonexistent shops. Extending The Ghost Train Metrostink line to the emigration check-in at Manchester Airport, plus many other exciting and imaginative plans. Planning for the future has been halted temporarily as we have mislaid our master-copy of the plan and were saddened upon making enquiries about purchasing a replacement to find out that the author, Nostradamus had died some years previously. At least on the subject of protecting front-line services you need have no fears. We have none!
This week we’ve launched our nonsultation exercise with the public to totally ignore them and tell them exactly how we are going to carry on fucking the town up. This is one of my better ideas as eventually everyone will get totally pissed off and leave. With the town empty of you moaning self-centred bastards always wanting something or other, we can implement our dream of the Lie-bour utopia. We'll be able to do anything we please without having to listen to you whingers - La,La, La-La, La
Oldham Council like every other Authority – will have to wrestle with becoming a leaner organisation. This will rule out Howie 'Fat Bastard' Sykes from a position of power ever again. Who'd want to wrestle with that fat sweaty cunt anyway? We simply can’t sit here with our fingers up our arses, looking for Sutty and hoping the problems will go away.
It would also be unforgivably arrogant for us to assume that our management team and Councillors have a monopoly on good ideas or common sense – But then, we are unforgivably arrogant, we have to be because we really don't have either of those commodities. That’s why we need to make it look like everything is your fault..
I’d kill every fucker who didn't urge everyone reading this to please waste five minutes of your time to visit the new Budget Nonsultation pages at www.oldham.giv/upfucking/about and give us your penn'orth for what it's worth.. This fudges our income sources and where we are currently spending every penny of your money. Pennies? Yeah. The fucking pounds? - Suck this!
The Council squanders this budget on your behalf and that’s exactly why we need to make our final decisions based on what we want to waste your money on. Fuck you and your priorities.
This cycle of finding savings and reducing spending is one that Oldham Council will continually be facing for many years. You on the other hand will have to face up to cycling everywhere as the transport infrastructure collapses totally. But as I told employees at the last Leaders weekly rant Staff Conference, we must stay fucked-up focussed and be positive about what this will mean. It won't all be doom and gloom…To give hard working councillors a break from the onerous duties of the chamber, I've taken over another suite of plush offices small room in the Holy Tower. This has been refurbished at minimal cost, (£219,835 to be exact, excluding carpet). This room will be known as the Tax Relief Office. All council taxes have been converted into large denomination banknotes and stacked in this room. In what small breaks councillors get from the demands of the debate, they will be able to visit the room, remove all their clothes and roll naked in your contributions. We hope they will come to appreciate this. Any banknotes left clinging to their sweaty bodies on leaving are theirs to keep.
Next we look at what becoming a Cooperative Council means for Oldham. It means staff will start shafting the public on an even grander scale. The opportunities to change for the better will be totally fucking ignored and as more powers and budgets are devolved downwards, the staff we are redeploying to the six new district Town Halls will insulate us impotent important pricks at the top and the blame for any cock-ups can swiftly be passed down the chain, conversely any plaudits, awards, cash prizes etc., we will swiftly grab will be pushed up the chain of command to where they rightly belong.You don't seriously believe any of this tosh is for YOUR benefit. Do you??
I also explained to Council staff about our new con trick commitment – as part of the Cooperative approach – to enable them to' invest' time back into the community.
We’ll allow staff to take three days of paid leave annually to put something back into the local area to support groups and initiatives where their expertise can make a big difference. This is the Lie-bour definition of 'invest.' We take YOUR money and give it to our Lie-bour placemen to have three days paid holiday. It may be someone in our finance team helping a local charity apply for grant funding or do their books, for example, or someone from our Environmental/Parks teams assisting them with a community garden, clean-up or allotment scheme. (Ed.What fucking expertise are we talking about here? The town is a bankrupt shit heap caused by these self same people. Would you want them cooking doing your books?)
This is what a Cooperative Borough should look like. Everybody working together – public sector, hand-in-wallet with residents – to achieve a common goal that improves the amount we are entitled to claim.
I also want to put improved aspirations at the top of our agenda as an Authority. Aspiration in the medical sense that is, of sucking something from a body. In your cases more fucking Council Tax
My vision from here is that every apprentice starting work at Oldham Council should be able to aspire to climb all the way up to the top, and become Chief Executive. It's really quite easy, it would seem you don't appear to need many qualifications but it's good to know as many folk as possible in the Old Boy's Network. Aiming for my position as Fuhrer Supreme Being Leader of The Council is not worthwhile as I don't intend to relinquish my position whilst still living and possibly even, sometime after that.
In a generation’s time I would like to see all councillors and the majority of senior management in the Council produced from myself by cloning – and thereby allow me to claim every penny for myself...... – It's mine! All mine, I tell you!
A crucial part of this Cooperative jigsaw – beyond staff and residents – Everything in this town is beyond staff and residents! Will be to make Members more effective. If my member was more effective I could forego the cloning!
Across all the political parties it was very clear to me that our Members do believe in the Borough, some also believe in fairies and others swear by the pills that claim to increase the size of your penis. We need to give these people all the help we can..
Being a Councillor is not a profession – it’s a money grabbing free for all snatch and grab and there is no defined ‘career path’ into it. That’s why we need to support and enable them all to perform better through appropriate training and development in all aspects of allowance claiming, jolly-joining and the rest of the arcane arts of being a councillor.
Finally today – on a very different tangent – I’m pleased to report that good progress is being made by Charlie's friends Langtree, with whom Oldham Council recently signed a development agreement to con the shit out of us over Hollinwood.
Langtree, run by several of Charlie's buddies, has already moved quickly to appoint key personnel to make things happen. they are currently working out of Charlie's luxurious suite of offices in the Tower and I’m looking forward to receiving my plain brown envelope and seeing the architects’ Masterplan for the area which is believed to include a seven seater luxury cinema.
Redeveloping the key sites in question here – alongside The Ghost Train's Metrostink’s arrival – can help me strengthen Hollinwood’s identity - Hi Hollinwood - it's next to Fails -Worth where I'm from. If I can divert a lot more resources from this shit-hole, Oldham, I can make myself look really impotent important and secure its position it as a destination of regional importance. (Ed. Importance to whom? For what? A destination? It's one of those places best avoided even if you noticed it in passing)
Thanks for letting me talk at you.
James (Little Jimmy) Pudden Face
If any of you think this is fanciful read the original tripe at
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