First pictures of the new "Whisk-A Tomic" integrated public transport system. Designed to move shoppers quickly between the Town Centre Car Park at Cannon Street and the Town Centre at the.....errr! Town Centre. Responding to criticism that Cannon Street is hardly the Town Centre, a Council spokesbody said, "It all depends on what you mean by Town Centre, we, in infrastructure forecasting, foreclosing and urban degeneration consider 'Town Centre' to be a fluid concept." (Yeah and you've flushed the whole shooting match down the shitter. ed)
They thought long and hard. They burned the midnight oil up in that monument to Soviet Concretism, The Tower of Babble. Half an idea was refined and polished over many hours of allowance gathering. Until, at last there was unanimity among the bunch of nincompoops, they would let little Jimmy Pudden Face have his own way, (mainly we think to stop him stamping his feet and holding his breath 'til he looked like a boiled pudden.). And what plan did the masters of the universe come up with for the Cannon Street site? A drive thro M&S? The world's largest chip shop? A multi-storey skating rink? An after-school club for pre-school infants and lippy teenagers who can't even write their own name? A Playboy Bunny Club? Nope, none of these folks! One dim spark of a Council chair polisher thought it might be a good spot to build a new stadium for Latics, until it was pointed out to him that the plot was only half the required length. He wasn't easily dissuaded pointing out the savings to be made if they just built half a pitch and had both sides play toward the same end with goalkeepers swapping position depending on the colour of shirt approaching. But no! Our erected representatives are made of sterner stuff. So what long awaited delight are we to savour? What boon to the hard pressed folk of this burg has been unveiled? Wait for it folks.....Wait for it!!!! Are you ready? OK we've kept you in suspense far too long here it comes!!! (Loud fanfare from the massed trumpet of the OMBC official 'Blow your own trumpet band')
A NEW town-centre car park has opened on the site of the former Cannon Street Health Centre.
Well, piss-my-pants!!!!! Just the fuck what we needed!!!
Did you notice the deliberate mistake in that headline? That's right our numb-bollocked pile of arsewipes think Cannon Street is in the Town Centre. It isn't. The town centre is up a 'gentle incline' that just happens to be the steepest hill in that part of the mountains. It's also, a two raincoats and an umbrella and still pissed through, distance from the Town Centre in the rainy season (June). It probably feels a lot farther when the weather is really bad in the Oldham winter (July to May).
The oxygen wasting bastards said they hope the site, along with adjoining assets, will attract redevelopment of the area bounded by Cannon Street, Manchester Street and Oldham Way, including the former Sainsbury’s site. Oh, WOW!!! That could almost quadruple the number of parking spaces while at the same time pushing the southern boundary of our car parking
Exciting future plans were revealed when it was disclosed that if just two more stores in Spingles close their doors, we can demolish the lot along with all of Yorkshire Street, (apart that is from the Old Town Hall which is being mooted as a pay station for the new extended car park) We should be able to accommodate thousands of cars when we get that lot sorted out. A few tons of tarmac and them gyppos will have us in the money in no time. People will come from miles around to park and watch the empty trams trundle past. (Oh, happy day @ £1.40 per hour)
Counc Diddy Dave Hibbert, cabinet member for Arseing, Traipsing and Degeneration, said: “These
Explain exactly, Diddy, how this wets the panties of the know-nowt achieve-nowt denizens of the dark underbelly of this fly-blown excuse for civilisation? What exactly is it supposed to do for us, the poor bastards mugged by you and your congenital defects on OMBC. Why the fuck should we be dancing orgasmically in the streets? What the fuck is there left in Oldham town centre to come and park for? But don't you worry you simple tosser. The town is dying around your idea-less arseing about and all you mongs can think about is 'Another fucking car park.' Are you completely fucking barmy????????
Two beauties to end with, from the Diddy dave book of quotes for single celled organisms.
“No one wants to see a derelict building in the town centre fall into
disrepair and become an eyesore."
WHAT!!!!! Listen you fuckwad. take a walk into what is left of Oldham town centre. Walk up to the Memorial To Our Glorious Dead (It's next to the Greaves Arms if you've never been), salute those gallant citizens of this town, who gave their lives, that we may live in this squalor. Then turn around 180 degrees and LOOK AT THE FUCKING SHIT HEAP YOU HAVE ALLOWED OUR TOWN HALL TO BECOME, YOU PARASITIC MONEY SPONGING WASTE OF SPERM!!!!!!
“The creation of the new car park will also mean there are more spaces for motorists to use when they are coming into the town centre to shop or work.”
SHOP??? Where the fuck at?? Everywhere is closing down you stupid twat! You've STOLEN our market! The only bastards employing anyone in the town centre would seem to be our local dishonourable MPs judging by the amounts being claimed for running constituency offices, and you fucking lot with your myriad managers who can't manage, executives who need executing and hangers-on who need fucking well hanging.
Anyhow, never mind Diddy baby something will probably turn up and save us, eh?
A word of warning though: If you think you see a light at the end of the tunnel - Run like fuck - It's an oncoming train!!
ARE ANY OF YOU BEGINNING TO REALISE IT YET? ....YOU SHOULD HAVE SAID ....NO !!
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