From The Oldham Lie-bour Chronicle
...And if you aren’t from Saddleworth, they’ve doubled it again ....
"The price of a plot in Saddleworth’s historic cemetery has been doubled and 'outsiders' will have to pay double the new cost — four times as much as before."
SPC is raising prices by more than 100 per cent to £1,500. And those from outside the picturesque villages will pay £3,000.
The dramatic rise comes as councillors, who have no real powers to do anything, attempt to make the Uppermill’s Gellfield Lane cemetery a more pleasant place to be laid to rest than its current “overgrown” condition.
Since when have the dead been interested in the view and amenities - The Dead Don't Care!
Councillor Neil Allsopp, scrattin' about to find summat to justify his existence, defended the rise, intended, he said, to cover the cost of essential repair work to iron gates, do grounds maintenance and even extend the land occupied by the cemetery. Oooh goody! More room for the late worthies of Saddleworth to stretch their legs or perhaps have a quick kickabout. That is if anyone remembered to include, among the plethora of necrotic delights in their burial instructions, a football, in addition to Country Life, a bottle of Mateus Rose, a white rose perhaps, (as long as they weren't incomers) and of course, a copy of "Upstairs & Downstairs" in their list of paraphernalia to accompany them
He said: “The cemetery won open-space awards 20 years ago for being an outstanding example of design, but now it looks untouched, uncared for. A lot of work needs to be done to bring it up to standard.” What standard?? The dead could care less if they were buried in the Sumatran jungle!
The only people worritin' about it are them who are left,. They're worritin' cos they know that's where they are going to end up and it offends their Saddleworthian sensibilities, especially if they have just been highly placed in The Oldham Lie-bour Chronicle's best kept garden competition.
Councillor Lord, Chair (or Wardrobe or Commode or whatever) of SPC is adamant that the rise is too much.
Councillor Lord, Chair (or Wardrobe or Commode or whatever) of SPC is adamant that the rise is too much.
“The graveyard has always made a profit, without prices having to be put up. We are going to get slammed for this," he said.
Is profit the function of a graveyard? If so let's have stalls selling funerary flim-flam,(plastic angels, bright flashing lights, pictures of Volvos etc), drinks and pies, little whizzy windmills and undersoil heaters to keep their darlings warm during the long, (very, very, very long winter of their interment).
“This is a service we provide for the people of Saddleworth, but £1,500 extra for people not living in Saddleworth is just too much.” Surely it's a service for the dead! Not that they care!
It will now cost £750 for exclusive rights to a plot and £750 for burial. What if the plotholder wanted to build a Mausoleum, say like the Taj Mahal, on their plot? Obviously the 'floor plan' would be a little tight, but would there be any restrictions on the height of these edifices bearing in mind the precedents set in other parts of the Borough on religious buildings?
Now if OMBC were to officially annex the cemetery into Lancashire the worthy occupants would begin spinning faster and faster until eventually we could harness them to generators and provide free electricity for most of Greater Manchester.
The following line is taken verbatim from the Oldham Liebour Chronicle. Explain in five hundred words or less!
Prices have increased by over 100 per cent since they were last raised three years ago.
And finally, it was reported that Oldhamers pay around £1,200 to be buried elsewhere in the borough.
Of course it will cost a lot more if you want to be buried in a cemetery!
I personally would like to be
Seriously though folks, this is a bad move by the Parish Council. In these straitened times it won't be long before the beautiful Saddleworth countryside is blighted by the ever growing menace of FLY-TIPPING!!!
