WE DIG DIG DIG DIG DIG UP EVERYTHING IN SIGHT!

IMPORTANT  INFORMATION FOR ROAD USERS IN OLDHAM

LATEST UPDATE: If venturing into the City of Lost Souls. Take at least two changes of clothing, food and drink to last a minimum of three days and a porta-pottee. Also useful would be a copy of Bear Grylls new book on surviving in Oldham's treacherous hinterland, entitled: 'Fuck Me! I'm bleeding lost!' price £12.99 from Waterstuns but getting there to buy it may be a problem. 

Here is the latest update on the road closures, diversions and other related fucking nonsense, being foisted upon the long suffering citizens of this borough by the fuckwits in the tower. This is part of the ongoing plan, to isolate the town from the rest of the world, known as the Streamlined Hi-speed Integrated Transport Experiment or as locals call it S.H.I.T.E. (Oldham)

This weekend the roundabout at Mumps  Bridge  Overpass  level crossing  Crossroads  Death Trap  Thingy  has been removed. It has been sold to Milton Keynes who have a huge collection of the things. The removal of this redundant street obstruction will enable the New Super Trams to have a straight run across the six lanes of traffic that were once controlled by this gyratory governor. Viewing platforms will be erected so locals can sit and watch the carnage unfold as motorists play  ‘Beat The Tram.’

Coun Dave Hibbert, cabinet member for traipsing and degeneration, said: “These are significant changes to Mumps which show that work to bring Metrolink to our borough is firmly on-track. On-track! get it? I wish Hibbert was fucking tied to it!

 “Mumps is the major traffic junction in and around Oldham town centre and although signs will  guide traffic to all sorts of fascinating places, I’d also urge motorists to please try and familiarise yourself with these changes and the best routes to Bury, Bolton, Ashton etc., before we start with the job. We know one or two of you are against the plans. What the fuck do I care about that? I'm arrogant Dave and I know better than any of you fucking serfs."

“All of this will enable the start of work to create a fantastic new integrated transport facility around the former B&Q site that will eventually benefit those using cars, buses and trams alike." Why do we now have to have an 'Integrated Transport Facility'? We had to manage without one when we had the trains. The trams are supposed to be cruising Union St eventually. Why would anyone, wanting to go to what is left of the town centre, want to go to Mumps and catch a bus back? This ITF is nowt more than another fucking bus-station. Move the seven we have on Cheapside down to Mumps. We could then use the land to erect something useful.(maybe a gibbet to reduce the number of chair polishers in the council chamber). The whole of the area around Mumps/ B&Q should have been developed as a leisure park. THAT would maybe bring people INTO Oldham. But no! The cocksuckers in the Ivory Tower can see no further than car-parks, their only growth industry. Trouble with this town is, we don't make enough noise. Be warned. Once the cockwaffles have had their way it will be too late to start complaining.

Coun Fibber continued, “The end of the Mumps roundabout, and the opening of the new link road into the town centre from Oldham Way, are a major part of our plans to remodel this area and redefine it as a new gateway into out of Oldham.”  Remodel the fucking area!!!  Much like you and your barmpot troughing cronies have 'remodeled the town centre I shouldn't wonder. Though you probably can't make it much worse than the derelict slum it is now.

"Unfortunately, for you that is, the changes will mean cars will no longer be able to access the bottom of Yorkshire Street adjacent to Mumps, which will now form part of the construction area."  But local traffic will still be able to access Beever Street, Regent Street and Wallshaw Street from Yorkshire Street by following the diversion signs for Blackburn and Darwen giving drivers a clear run at the area from t'other side of town. This will add approx 90 mins to a trip from say Clarksfield to Regent Street


"Passengers using town-centre bound buses currently stopping at Mumps will now have to find another stop somewhere else. That's not our problem. We have enough to do booking flash hotels for our next jolly and making sure our allowances claim forms are submitted on time."  "Services travelling out of town will not be affected."  Funny how everything leaving the village of the damned is running fine. It's just getting into and across this benighted and blighted borough that is the problem

"Bus lanes along Huddersfield Road and Ripponden Road have also been temporarily opened up to all vehicles to ease congestion in the area."  What's the betting the cock-sucking bus-drivers want to use them now!

Diddy Dave added: “We recognise the sheer scale of these ongoing works has meant frustrating times for motorists in recent months." “We appreciate your patience and have listened to concerns about signage, which we are reviewing and improving daily in response to what drivers and local businesses are telling us.

 “We’re also doing whatever we can, wherever possible, to ease congestion – especially in the run-up to the vital Christmas and new year trading period." "We'll try and ease the pain, but you're not going anywhere fast so why not enjoy yourselves and bring a little festive cheer into the town. Our Chief Executive has bought a box of Christmas ornaments (well, when we say bought he actually only signed for them on the council account at Parties-R-Us) He is going to put them up on a prominent building in the town. The location is supposed to be a secret but if you want to see Charlie's balls being hung on the old Town Hall be there Saturday mid-day.

Trams are expected to arrive at the new temporary Oldham Mumps stop by spring. People in Eccles and Altrincham expect them to arrive there EVERY day but it quite frequently doesn't come to pass.

Enough, already. Let’s get down to the nitty-gritty.

UNION STREET

From Monday - Union Street will be one way in the opposite direction - until further notice.
On alternate Mondays and even-dated  Wednesdays this flow will be reversed, apart that is from those occasions when two-way traffic will be permitted westbound between Greaves Street and Clegg Street and eastbound between Queen Street and Retiro Street.
Queen Street and Retiro Street will become pedestrian only zones. Greaves Street and Clegg Street will be closed to traffic for ever such a long time.
From Tuesday Union Street will be closed at one end.
Work will commence almost nearly at once on building a huge tram stop at the Star Inn end of Union Street to service ‘Chicken City’- Oldham’s gourmet dining area where you can sample all the delights of Kentucky/Alabama/Tennessee/Nepal/Kashmir/ Bulgaria/ Tristan Da Cunha/ Antarctica/Latvia/Gaza Strip/ Ethiopia/Galapagos/Tasmania/Wales, Fried Chicken. For you aficionados the remaining three non-food outlets on Union Street are being converted so you will shortly be able to sample the delights of - Papua-New Guinea/North Korea and Turkey Fried Chicken. A real treat for the discerning palate. Though I must say I have tried most of them and mainly they taste just like chicken. Hey, Ho!

THROUGH TRAFFIC

FROM SADDLEWORTH TO MANCHESTER- Allow extra journey time - set off the night before. If it is essential you get to Manchester every morning - sell your house - move to Newton Heath. In the meantime follow signs marked ‘Diversion.’ When these peter out follow ‘Alternate Route’ signs until you pick up the M65 near Nelson. Park in Nelson - There is an excellent bus service (X43) to Manchester.

TO AND FROM SHAW AND CROMPTON - Access will be severely disrupted due to ongoing work on the Ghost Train and the demolition of Shaw which will be starting any day now. From Ashton - Probably best not to bother. From Saddleworth head for Jct 22 on the M62 head down to the Shaw exit and attack it from t’other side. Leaving Shaw - Make sure you turn the light out and lock the door.


FROM MANCHESTER - Motorists heading up Oldham Road will be stopped at Hollinwood, given a stern warning about their foolhardy behaviour then turned around and sent back to civilisation.


YORKSHIRE STREET - ‘Ghost Town ‘ Tour buses will leave at irregular intervals (Five or six days) from the pay and display car park on the old Conservative Club/Mountainfeet site, taking tourists on sightseeing tours of our excavations, historic buildings and other piles of rubble that are our heritage. Heading up Yorkshire Street they will meet little oncoming traffic as the street has been converted into a skateboard ramp from the Greaves Arms to the Artizans Rest (or whatever poncy fucking name it goes under nowadays). This is world’s end (Has anyone noticed that Yorkshire Street between Fairbottom Street and Scholes Street is ‘misssing ‘ on Google Streetwatch?  Too much for them to stomach I wager.)


WATERLOO STREET - Affectionately known to locals as The Khyber pass this will become the main thoroughfare out of town to Rochdale, Huddersfield and Lees. Beware of two or more vehicles parked in the middle of the road while the drivers chat about the vicissitudes of their working day. Only luxury vehicles (over £60,000) with adequately blacked out windows and 500 million giga-watt sound systems will be allowed through. This strip is, like, private, innit.  No wot  a meen?


FROM MUMPS TO ROYAL OLDHAM HOSPITAL - Easiest way - walk up to Rhodes Bank - throw yourself under “Ghost Town’ tour bus - await arrival of  ambulance  - travel to Hospital in recumbent luxury.  If you must drive, take Yorkshire Street to Curzon Street - go through market Hall - turn left you’re on Henshaw Street - up to Coldhurst Street - zoom! You’re there.


LEES ROAD traffic will be diverted down Cross Street - Up Greenacres Road  - Stamford Road - High Street - Lees Road. This is the ‘groundhog’ route. Not much use for you wankers coming down from Saddleworth, but at least it keeps you out of the town centre and you won’t have time for whingeing.

BUS STATIONS  - The present seven bus stations will be dismantled and together with a further four will be re-erected at Failsworth Pole. Little Jimmy Pudden Face, first citizen and saviour of our town says this is the only sensible solution as the folk of Failsworth have been waiting a long time for modern services. The buses will service the new Town Hall and the shortly to be built, Olympic Swimming Pool,   Sports Hall,  Assembly Hall,  Twenty Screen Cinema,  Bowling Alley,  Ice Skating Rink,  Shopping Mall,   (PF World 1M sq ft ),  Forty storey Hilton Hotel,  Museum and Art Gallery,  Marina (useful for the Royal  Leader’s yacht),  Two Casinos,  Three Nightclubs,  Mainline Rail Station,  Wrigley Head Disneyland,  600 bed Teaching hospital and last but not least - a vehicle dismantling, chemical reclamation and tyre disposal plant at the Lancaster site. Whooops!  I nearly forgot - and Lady Jane's.
Little Jimmy said; “ It’s not because I happen to be a Cunt Councillor for Failsworth, hold all the purse strings and make all the decisions. It just happened that it was Failsworth’s turn for a share of the spoils  amenities. We are not neglecting any other single part of Oldham. You’re ALL getting Fucking Nowt!!