YOU KISS MINE AND I'LL KISS..... MINE AS WELL!

Continuing the blog of Oct 7 'Add Tincture to Your Sphincter'  I see that the arseholes are still twitching in tune. In response to a question from Counc Ken Hulme asking how much it had cost and who had appointed the members of the Oldham Improvement Board. We find they were appointed by the leaders of the three main parties(no surprises there then). They met seven times and cost us £9604. Lynne Topspin, Cabinet member for performing a vanishing act on public money, said, this mere bagatelle made it a "no brainer" (she's well qualified there then!), and she wouldn't hesitate to take the same approach again. Of course she fuckin' wouldn't! It's not her bleeding money she's throwing around. It's nine households council tax. She claims it is an excellent 'invest to save' project. She has invested nowt. She has frittered away £9K+ of OUR money.
Her justification for this latest spendfest?  "The board was needed to scrutinise the Lib-Dem's plans to overhaul the declining council (her words), and tackle the £20M budget black hole they inherited from Labour. Why? They keep telling us they are the chosen ones to run this town and we pay far too many people far too much money to do just that. If they need to employ others to peer over their shoulders and scrutinise their works, then are they fit for purpose?  The Lab black hole is a vile calumny according to Lab apologiste and weasel Suttie, the greatest Councillor ever in the history of the world (his words), as every Lab budget balanced to within three farthings (ask yer granddad).
Topspins list of achievements - Winning Britain in Bloom...The flowers are all dead now. Anti-social behavior down by 15% this year and 27% last year....You don't get out enough Topspin.  £10M investment in highways...won't even fill all the potholes. Improved exam results... what the fuck has that to do with the council, apart from which, the exams are so fucking easy I bet some of the Council could pass them. Last but not least £1.45M investment in Oldham Coliseum...Instead of finding it a new home as it is obvious it can't last much longer left as is. Great. Loads of jobs, industry, amenities and regeneration in that little lot.
Topspin said board members were experienced(what in?) and well-respected (by whom?) figures in local Government.
Let's have a list of their names, qualifications and how much they scraped from the trough for this nonsense.

It is time to say.....NO!!!!

I DON'T KNOW A LOT ABOUT ART. BUT I KNOW WHAT I LIKE!

 Fifty three thousand fucking pounds it cost us. It has never worked. It never looked like working! It was the ugliest piece of 'public art' you are ever likely to experience. What are we talking about? What else but The Whistling Piss-stone dumped by our philistine council in our high street. The fat fuck Sykes says, like the simple twat he is, 'Timewash did not cost the citizens of the borough a penny because it was paid for out of the European Development Fund.' What a stupid fucker that fat bastard is! Who the fuck does he think keeps all those dago, kraut, froggie bastards in their useless jobs?  Us! You stupid cunt! With all our taxes that are siphoned off to the foreign pricks every year. Listen to what the obesity has to say on the matter. 'Officers have tried on numerous occasions to get the fucking eyesore  sculpture operational but it has not been possible.' The fucking embarrassing waste of space has had numerous repairs, new manhole covers, extra filters and protective fittings. And how the fucking fuckety fuck much did that lot cost us?  His lardship says he will not sanction any further public money being spent trying to get this ill-conceived and poorly designed piece of crap to work. I should think not. You can fit in a lot of jollies for 53 Grand. He thinks it an embarrassment and to have done nothing and let it stay there would have resulted in it becoming a blight on the High Street and Town centre.. How the fuck can you embarrass Oldham town centre?. How the fuck can you blight a blight?
A spokesman for The Taxpayer's Alliance said. ' This is a lamentable waste of public money and someone should be held to account.' Good idea! Start with the fucking useless set of Labour twats who were responsible for it. Then let's go after the cretin who designed and built the piece of crap. Do what we all do when we buy something that doesn't work. Let's demand OUR money back.
We should make ourselves heard. We have a voice.

What we have forgotten is how to say   NO!!!!

PS Have just seen the project Info sheet from when the eyesore was installed. Guess who was officer responsible? None other than the unlamented Tony Noblet. Yes the very same. El Supremo of our roads.  Chief Gritter who hadn't realised that Owdham was hilly. Whatever happened to him? Is he now looking into potholes?  Is he Alcock's love interest?  Is he on the highway to hell?  Does anyone care?

All together now everyone say........NO!!!! 

EDUCASHUN, EDDYKAITION, EDUCAY....OH FUCK IT!!!!

Further to the previous post it was reported  that Mr Whaley was supported by Debbie Bridge, the head of University Campus Oldham, who welcomed everyone to the facility and pointed out that the site had 1,200 full and part-time students studying for degrees “right here in the heart of Oldham”. What are they studying for their 'degrees'? Meeja Studies?  Hair styling (advanced)?  X- Factor? Nail Technology? Other esoteric worthless career moves? Approx 1,190 of 'em would probably be better off quitting and finding training in worthwhile jobs. They are being conned by the pretentious twee job protectors at 'University Campus Oldham' (Hah!) It's Huddersfield Polytech for gawds sake! Oxbridge it ain't! It's the last refuge of the don't want to start work brigade. Oldham has become the town of schools. None of them worth a shit! No jobs. No industry. No prospects. Just fucking schools! It's time we said, "enough." We have sufficient schools.  We don't need academies, amalgamated schools, shiny new school buildings all over town. What is needed are capable teachers.Capable, that is, of turning out kids, able to read and write after eleven years of so called teaching. We need plans to entice employers to the town, not more second rate education.

FOLLOW ME! I'M RIGHT BEHIND YOU!

In an original piece of navel gazing it was reported (in the Oldham Evening Chronicle of course) that Chronicle editor DIave Whaley gave a presentation on the newspaper’s role in the future of our town., entitled- “Positive about Oldham”  (negatives £2.50 each from The Chronicle Office.)

Defending the Chronicle’s right to report the unflattering, and to be critical “when the occasion and times demand”, he insisted it was in the interest of everyone who holds dear the future of Oldham that the borough has a thriving evening NEWSpaper. We thoroughly agree. Anyone want to start one?  Note the emphasis on NEWS. Something that is sadly lacking in the OEC of today. It has more advertising than the Oldham Advertiser. At one time it was a paper filled with up-to-date news both national and local: a good read and good value. Now, what passes for news is hidden away in one inch segments in two or three end columns. We read reports of chimney fires in Westhoughton and bicycle theft in Wilmslow. What relevance to the people of Oldham?? What local 'news' there is has been recycled from competitors journals and is usually well past it's sell by date. Sports reports appear days after the event when everyone knows all the results and is past caring about rehashed old news. The Chron is now nothing more than a social gazette and a photo peddling operation. Every week they dream up another scheme to involve locals having their pics taken so increasing sales. The impression one gets with the Chron is that 'real news' gets in the way of advertising, the myriad Chronicle 'promotions' and the endless round of school reports, complete with pics, (available at a reasonable price)
He defends the right to be unflattering and critical. Yet nothing in this town seems to raise the ire of what is supposed to be our voice. Criticism of the miserable Council is verboten. Nothing remotely unflattering is ever written about the numbskulls supposedly running the town. Nothing critical of the hare-brained schemes dreamt up by the same numbskulls, the destruction of our town, the exorbitant council tax, the blatant self serving and self aggrandisement, the profligacy and sheer greed of our elected morons is ever published. Dissent in the letters to the paper is censored out, this means we are not allowed to voice our opinions in the OEC  This is most likely because the Chron is mortally feared of losing it's only remaining source of information if it offends T'Council.
Everything in the town is perfect, every plan published is just what we have been waiting for. Only the other day we were greeted by the headline - "We're going places." Aye well we may be but I doubt it's the promised land envisaged by The Chron where we will all live happily ever after drinking OB and reading the Green Final. (Ask yer granddad!)   
In a snub to the 'free beer, tomorrow ' hopefuls, Mr Whaley said, 'For this Utopia to come to pass,  we need your support — we need you to use our columns to promote your business and support Oldham,.  In other words, ' buy more advertising space.'
 He added, “We don’t have a crystal ball; we can’t possibly know everything that is going on. But you people, our readers, do. We need you tell us all the good-news stories that reflect well on the people of Oldham. At one time the OEC had fine reporters who went out and about around the area and knew virtually everything that was happening locally. What have we now? Barely literate school leavers, who have probably done 'meeja studies' and think they are Pullitzer Prize winners. The writing is stilted and riddled with errors, grammatical and factual. One gets the impression that no thought, planning or research has gone into the output of these amateurish pieces. It is also obvious that the art of proof-reading has been lost at the Chron.
The online edition is slowly going downhill. Not a terribly long trip! It publishes later and later every day and what 'news' is in it is hardly worth reading. Eleven pieces of nonsense one day recently about how well our schools have done in what are laughingly called exams complete with endless lists of names. Who the hell is interested?
It's time the Chron abandoned it's Swiss style neutrality and stood up for the people of this town by condemning the excesses of the Council and the destruction of what was once, albeit not pretty, a pleasant place to live. Mr Whaley, in his relatively short time at the helm following the retirement of the much missed Jim Williams, has allowed the Chron to slide ever more toward being an organ of the Council Chamber. Our message to Mr Whaley?  Become once again the voice of the people. Have the courage to stand up to the bullies in the Civic Centre, have the courage to say enough, have the courage to say no, have the courage to say something is wrong. Ride at the head of our army. We will love you more for it.  

ADD TINCTURE TO YOUR SPHINCTER!

The Oldham Improvement Board, (OIB) was set up by Oldham Council and underemployed chief waste of space, Charlie 'Turd' Parker. Members comprised mainly councillors, sundry members of quangos already having a finger in the pie and three out of work ex chief executives. It was set up after our grinning fool of a Chief Executive, Charlie 'Turd' Parker, "identified" a series of weaknesses. Most of these have turned out to be inside his head.
It's brief was to monitor the Council's  plans, oversee progress on key matters then massage the egos of the brainless twats in the council chamber. This is what THEY are supposed to be for. This is what we thought we were electing them for. It is surely their role to oversee the 'plans' that they are responsible for, not just turn up every month for afternoon tea and an expenses envelope. Similarly with the plethora of managers, under managers, over managers and other sundry, overpaid, under-worked jobs-for-the-boys, who pack the council workforce. Are none of these capable of doing their job properly without someone peering over their shoulder. If not then we know where to start the slimming down process.
The OIB brains trust has now published it's report. Guess what???  Everything in Oldham is A-OK, with fantastic services and the people of Oldham are well satisfied with their inspirational set of cunts..counts councillors. This farrago of nonsense has now led to an outbreak of songs of praise. OIB has praised the Council, the report from OIB has been praised by Cabinet, the Council has praised the OIB and last but not least the Cabinet has praised the Council. Did you follow all that? Talk about brown nosed arse lickers!
What is so wonderful about our councillors and their plans for the town as set out in this report, you may ask?
OK here goes:
1.   The securing of Metrolink in the Town Centre. The Union St branch-line (if it ever arrives), is not in the Town Centre. The location of the actual Town Centre is now lost in the mists of time and the dog's breakfast of a dump around the Spindles Shopping Error.
2.   A high satisfaction rate for waste disposal and street cleaning.  This can only be self-satisfaction by our cloud of numpties. Do you know of anyone satisfied with the waste disposal farce and the hordes of overflowing wheelie bins congregating on every street corner like delinquent  teenagers? Did you ask for a fortnightly collection? Did you ask to be allowed to wheel your bin quarter of a mile to the nearest pick up point. Did this rabble of assorted self-important pillocks ever come down your street and see the shite strewn everywhere,(especially around the wheelie bin pick up points), the sweet smelling grids gleaming as they wait to carry off the gentle rain? Did they take note of the crisp-packet bushes planted all over the borough by our elected arseholes and the ankle deep detritus outside all the take away money laundering establishments in the town?
3.   Success of the Sports Development Service.  This is probably down to their endeavours with the Churchill swimming hole at Uppermill, the Clayton goal-post painting schemes and their putting up a board with the names of people they have never heard of, who, they believed, played sport of one sort or another.
4.   Outstanding fostering service.   Who are these people to decide if this service is good bad or indifferent? What knowledge do they have of the subject? Did they ask any adoptees if they were ecstatic about the service or is it just another quango assuming that because there were quite a few adoptions all must be OK?
5.   Outstanding Pupil Referral Unit. We should be good at that considering the number of truants, problem kids and non-learners thrown up by our woefully under-performing schools.
6.   A highly rated Adult Learning Service. Well they have to learn sometime. Schools are so mired in an ideological morass that most youngsters leave school knowing virtually nowt.
And that's it basically!
No mention of the (non) value for money we get for our Council Tax, highest in Greater Manchester. No mention of our lack of facilities, amenities, transport links, industry, jobs etc. No mention of the shit-hole that is the Town Centre. No mention of the no go areas of the town. No mention of the dirt and squalor. No mention of the Council services that are actually fucking crap. Roads, potholes, the winter gritting fiasco, the Tommyfield to tents so we can have a car park connivance. Oh, we could go on and on, but we forget this is all about singing from the songs of praise hymnsheet, (published by OMBC price very reasonable).
Deputy leader of the Council Jackie Starturn unbelievably said, "The fact we were 'brave' enough to bring in external people to scrutinise our work is a great achievement."
Brave, you fucking imbecile? If the fuckety fucking lot of you had the slightest grasp of what the fuck you are supposed to be doing, we wouldn't need external scrutiny. Where the fuck would we be if every company and organisation had to keep calling in outsiders to see if they were doing their job properly?  In the old far off days when this was a prosperous, busy town, with a full complement of amenities, attractions and employment, councillors didn't need the help of outside hangers-on to run the town. They instinctively knew what was required and provided it at good value for money for our citizens. The buzzing noise you can hear is the poor bastards spinning in their graves. Our local news, the Oldham Evening Councillor, fearful of being excluded by the deluded, believes all this crap and tells us "We're going places." Aye we are. Down the shitter!!
Fat fuck Sykes, Feeder of the Council said, " This report clearly shows we have made significant progress and I would like to thank the board for it's 'invaluable' work.

Do you want to bet it's invaluable? It will have been valued very generously and YOU and I are going to pick up the tab.
What do you think the going rate is for a sleaze of councillors, several quango hoppers and three out of work ex spongers? Let's see if our worthy leaders will tell us.

OMBC TELL US HOW MUCH THIS ARSE MASSAGING EXERCISE HAS COST US!!!!!! 

ROONEY SAYS - " I'M ONLY HUMAN" - -SCIENTISTS TO INVESTIGATE!

 Supreme ball artist and favourite of the Pay Per Screw crowd, Whine Rooney, says he must be given the chance to play himself back into form. The 24 year old has been plagued with  poor performances this season and his football  has suffered as a result. He pleaded for patience from his tens of fans saying, "I'm only a human being."  This astounding claim is being investigated by teams of anthropologists from Liverpool University's department of  Scallies and Pie scoffers.
It had been hoped that Rooney would now be back to peak fitness after hiring a private trainer. He has been paying £1200 a night for coaching sessions from a money grubbing tart local expert on ball handling skills, but he has yet to score at home from fore open play this season. Though to be fair he has slotted some beauties playing away from home.
He has been suffering from niggling injuries lately. Experts believe he picked up most of these injuries when he was trying out in different positions, ie, left-inside, square at the back, up-front etc.
Only today he suffered yet another knock off, sustained while  showing team-mate 'Plug" Ferdinand a new position, tied upside down, naked, apart from an Arab Strap, to a water pipe in the United dressing room, whilst three old skanks rubbed greasy meat and 'tater pies all over his priceless assets.All was going well until the pipe fractured, flooding the dressing room and nearly drowning our hero, who, although he has now mastered talking while lying down, has not yet moved on to 'knots and how to untie them.' He was only saved by the supreme heroism of Sir Alex Ferguson who ordered a passing tea-lady to give Rooney a hand with his pipe. She was only too willing having heard of our star's great ability on a wet pitch.
Later, Ferguson said, I don't want to rush the boy back into action and I asked him how he felt about Montenegro. He said colour didn't faze him and he'd mount anyting in skirts. I know these injuries have been niggling away for a while but he bravely kept going, be it probing for an opening at the back or making a determined push up front, until he was drained. I want to make sure I treat him right and look after him because for a while the boy has not been doing himself justice. This sentiment was echoed by personal trainer Jennifer 'Juicy Jen' Thompson who has been handling 13 other premiership players, the stars of several TV shows,  five Boy Bands and a Bank Robber.  Fergie added, I offered to let him play against Sunderland and told him I would pull him off at half time, but he refused saying he would probably be too knackered to appreciate it.
This is Rooney's first competitive match since his triumph over a fat old slag in a Scouse shell suit emporium in 2004. His early promise was spotted when as a 12 year old he was dreaming of one on one confrontations with local professionals in the effluent Liverpool suburb of his birth.
Meanwhile, Mrs Whine, the fragrant Coleen, was reported to have been visiting Lourdes. This was a misheard quote from the lady herself. She was in fact at Lords, where rumour had it that hubby Whine was sha coaching the England Ladies cricket team. Sounds good. He has always been a fat fuc an all round sportsman.

READING BETWEEN THE LINES!

Tommyfield Market traders will strike on Saturday in protest at their treatment after the new street market launch. The few stall holders who remain behind the market hall on the original outdoor site say they are being ignored by the council.
 A nameless spokesperson for the Council department responsible for issuing bullshit and lies, said. "This is all bullshit and lies, the area behind the market hall is now earmarked for a specialist market with removable stalls."                                                                                          

"We have exciting new plans for this area."  Yeah we know, we've seen them. Weirdest market layout we've ever seen. "Ah that's because you don't understand town planning," says the N.S. "This is a very ergomaniac design to enable stallholders to reach their stalls easily."  "Any resemblance to a car park is purely coincidental."  "But..... if on non-market days any motorists wanted to park on this area they are welcome to do so for almost no charge." "To this end we will put up pay and display ticket machines just on the off chance." We hear that this wonderful facility is being provided at no cost to the council, just a little adjustment on the Council Tax. At the right we see an artist's impression of how the new site will look on a busy market day. We have just learned that rents for the new stalls will be £1 for the first 40 minutes, then 60p for each 15 minutes thereafter. Stall rents will be collected by the Council's new partner in this exciting venture NCP. The same nameless one declared, "I think it stands for Not a Car Park."

THE ROCKIN' 'ORSE IS IN THE LEAD!

An internationally-acclaimed show which uses jelly beans to bring the world of statistics to life and compare the brainpower of different organisms was launched at Gallery Wulfe today.

“If brains were dynamite” is an exhibition by the Katin'batta Ethiopian take away and Theatre Company.

Visitors, when or if, they arrive are presented with a jelly bean to represent their brainpower and are then invited to compare that single gobbet of jelly to the tonnes  of confectionery, of all colours, which is the brainpower of everyone else in the UK.

Each day a team of performers will be carefully chewing over different statistics.

The exhibition will tell a local story:  it's a fairy story but what the hell. It will allow visitors to compare their jelly bean to the Ferrero Rochers of other parts of the UK.

Councillor Kay Knox  (recently downgraded from a Midget Gem), said: “This is a truly unique and tasty exhibition which will cause inflation around my arse and is made especially for Oldham with local ingredients.

“This show will probably go down very well especially among the greedy bastards my colleagues on the council. We are also inviting visitors to bring in their own sweeties (Howie and I like to indulge in a nice liquorice whip when we are alone, she hinted). They will also be encouraged to make their own suggestions for statistics (chocolate willies not allowed) and see them weighed out and added to the menu exhibition.”




 The show runs Monday to Saturday from 10am to 5pm and on Sundays from 10am to 4pm until September 28.
At the conclusion of the show all proceeds will go to local councillors council charities. The exhibition will then be dismantled and eaten by Councillor Sykes on the Town hall steps at Saturday mid-day. (Contingent on reinforcement work being completed on his waistband)

OF COURSE I TRUST YOU........BUT!

Copied to-day from Captain Ranty, with thanks. Because everyone should be made aware of what's afoot!

HMRC To Take ALL Your Money
And then decide how much/how little to send on to your bank account.

In a move that stinks of totalitarianism, fascism, and pure cuntishness, HMRC have said that they need to take it all. All of it. Your whole salary. Naturally, no mistakes will be made. Everyone will be dealt with fairly and disputes will be swiftly resolved.
We wish.
They will make mistakes. They will retain the whole salary from some people as the computer, when asked, "Can we send Mr Jones any money this month?", will simply say "No". The dispute will take months to resolve, and in the meantime? No food for your family, no bills get paid, the leccy gets switched off, so now you will freeze or starve to death, whichever comes sooner. All because HMRC had a brainfart.

Thaddeus J. Wilson gives us more details over at Anna's place. I strongly urge you to read it all, then tell everyone you know. Just to be sure, tell everyone you don't know as well.

This shit has to be stopped right now.

Here you go:

'It’s been a while since there has been a story in the press that left me with my jaw so far down that it hurt. But today, I believe, we are firmly back in the deranged world of government gone completely insane:'

"HM Revenue and Customs could take direct control of every worker’s monthly pay cheque under plans to overhaul the error-prone income tax system.
Instead of employers deducting income tax then paying gross salaries to employees, the gross monthly payment would go to an HMRC-run tax “calculator”, which would then pass the net salary to the worker.
The reform would mean the end of traditional monthly payslips, because employers would no longer be able to tell workers how much tax they had paid each month."

The immediate thought that comes to mind is: what do we do when (and not if!) this all goes wrong? What happens when, as will inevitably happen, HMRC makes a balls up and takes your whole month’s salary? Who will you fight with? Without a payslip, how do you budget for the forthcoming month, especially if you are on highly variable wages? What about people with all sorts of different sources of income? How will this “help” them? What about people who have valid reasons for submitting an annual return to claw money back?
Inevitably, this kind of glorious “lateral thinking” is a result of the many failings of the people in HMRC. Why is the long-suffering taxpayer being exposed to this extraordinary risk? It’s not like the government exactly has a fantastic track record when it comes to grandiose computer systems.
I’m going to do something that I don’t generally do, because I’m not as erudite at campaigning as Anna: I’m going to ask you to spread the word about this as far as you can; I’m going to ask you to write to your useless MP and complain in the strongest possible terms about this insane idea; write to your local newspaper, tell all your friends and do everything you can think of to stop this insane idea from becoming reality.
Because although Anna is a wonderful campaigner, I don’t think there’s enough of her to go around to save each and every one of us!
UPDATE: I am generally loathe to update articles, especially if they have only just been published, but I feel that this information may be of great value to 1.4 million taxpayers:

"The first batch of 45,000 letters demanding cash to be repaid will start to arrive on Tuesday – with the rest sent out over the next four months.
But accountants said recipients should act swiftly to use a little-known loophole which forces HM Revenue and Customs to abandon ‘out of the blue’ demands and effectively write off the money.
They also insisted many of those affected are entitled to argue that they or their employer have done nothing wrong and should not be penalised for someone else’s blunder.
Enough is enough. It is time to starve these incompetent thieves of our hard-earned money!"

I've been saying this for over a year. They need to starved of our cash. Their addiction to our money has them by the throat. It will only get worse if we allow the addiction to run unchecked. The only cure is cold turkey.
If it sits better with you, call it a "public service".
CR.

ONCE AGAIN: DON'T SAY YOU WEREN'T WARNED!

LET'S BE 'AVIN THOSE GLASSES THEN!

Oldham takes ninth spot in booze league of shame!

According to 'academics' from Liverpool University, Oldham is among the top 10 hardest-drinking areas in the country. ('Owd on a minnit! What the fuck has this to do with Scouse demics aca or not. Have they nowt else to fill their lives with?)
'Stato' Higgins, our averages encrusted director of pubic health, says, 'Reducing levels of harmful drinking in Oldham is a high priority for us. Us meaning Him.
 An instant remedy would be to brick-up both ends of Yorkshire Streeet. This would dramatically improve our figures and seeing as most of the bother causing piss heads who cause trouble in the town centre at weekends are from neighbouring towns, they would have to stay home thus making their midden rise in the league table.
Unfortunately for us Stato has a plan, nay, an alcohol strategy , no less. Which means he wants to stick his nose into yet more of your business in order to justify his. He is going to offer support to people who regularly attend hospital due to alcohol problems. Excellent, just what staggering drunks need, support. Compared with the NE and NW of England, the East and Southeast  had the fewest problems. Could it be because they have a vast array of leisure facilities providing a varied and entertaining level of interest. This is at the opposite end of the spectrum to places 'oop north' like our own delightful Borough where the only entertainment at the myriad booze fuelling stations, is provided by the proprietors stuffing as much booze down your throat in as short a time as possible whilst assaulting you with the ear splitting blast of what the con artists providing it, call music. Stato and your fuckwad friends in the concrete pillock box, quite simply people drink too much in this town for one simple reason. THERE IS FUCK ALL ELSE TO DO!  Stop looking for excuses for the corporate fuck up in this town. Provide some leisure facilities!
...And nearly finally Dr Ruth Hussey, regional director of public health and busybodying said: 'We are once again reminded of the terrible burden the abuse of alcohol causes residents of the North West.
...And finally, Eddy Skinfull, reasonable drinker of anything going said: 'We are once again reminded of the terrible brain freeze the nannying by Dr Rude Hussy and Stato Higgins causes to topers of the North West.