ROONEY SAYS - " I'M ONLY HUMAN" - -SCIENTISTS TO INVESTIGATE!

 Supreme ball artist and favourite of the Pay Per Screw crowd, Whine Rooney, says he must be given the chance to play himself back into form. The 24 year old has been plagued with  poor performances this season and his football  has suffered as a result. He pleaded for patience from his tens of fans saying, "I'm only a human being."  This astounding claim is being investigated by teams of anthropologists from Liverpool University's department of  Scallies and Pie scoffers.
It had been hoped that Rooney would now be back to peak fitness after hiring a private trainer. He has been paying £1200 a night for coaching sessions from a money grubbing tart local expert on ball handling skills, but he has yet to score at home from fore open play this season. Though to be fair he has slotted some beauties playing away from home.
He has been suffering from niggling injuries lately. Experts believe he picked up most of these injuries when he was trying out in different positions, ie, left-inside, square at the back, up-front etc.
Only today he suffered yet another knock off, sustained while  showing team-mate 'Plug" Ferdinand a new position, tied upside down, naked, apart from an Arab Strap, to a water pipe in the United dressing room, whilst three old skanks rubbed greasy meat and 'tater pies all over his priceless assets.All was going well until the pipe fractured, flooding the dressing room and nearly drowning our hero, who, although he has now mastered talking while lying down, has not yet moved on to 'knots and how to untie them.' He was only saved by the supreme heroism of Sir Alex Ferguson who ordered a passing tea-lady to give Rooney a hand with his pipe. She was only too willing having heard of our star's great ability on a wet pitch.
Later, Ferguson said, I don't want to rush the boy back into action and I asked him how he felt about Montenegro. He said colour didn't faze him and he'd mount anyting in skirts. I know these injuries have been niggling away for a while but he bravely kept going, be it probing for an opening at the back or making a determined push up front, until he was drained. I want to make sure I treat him right and look after him because for a while the boy has not been doing himself justice. This sentiment was echoed by personal trainer Jennifer 'Juicy Jen' Thompson who has been handling 13 other premiership players, the stars of several TV shows,  five Boy Bands and a Bank Robber.  Fergie added, I offered to let him play against Sunderland and told him I would pull him off at half time, but he refused saying he would probably be too knackered to appreciate it.
This is Rooney's first competitive match since his triumph over a fat old slag in a Scouse shell suit emporium in 2004. His early promise was spotted when as a 12 year old he was dreaming of one on one confrontations with local professionals in the effluent Liverpool suburb of his birth.
Meanwhile, Mrs Whine, the fragrant Coleen, was reported to have been visiting Lourdes. This was a misheard quote from the lady herself. She was in fact at Lords, where rumour had it that hubby Whine was sha coaching the England Ladies cricket team. Sounds good. He has always been a fat fuc an all round sportsman.