Oldham takes ninth spot in booze league of shame!
According to 'academics' from Liverpool University, Oldham is among the top 10 hardest-drinking areas in the country. ('Owd on a minnit! What the fuck has this to do with Scouse demics aca or not. Have they nowt else to fill their lives with?)
'Stato' Higgins, our averages encrusted director of pubic health, says, 'Reducing levels of harmful drinking in Oldham is a high priority for us. Us meaning Him.
An instant remedy would be to brick-up both ends of Yorkshire Streeet. This would dramatically improve our figures and seeing as most of the bother causing piss heads who cause trouble in the town centre at weekends are from neighbouring towns, they would have to stay home thus making their midden rise in the league table.
Unfortunately for us Stato has a plan, nay, an alcohol strategy , no less. Which means he wants to stick his nose into yet more of your business in order to justify his. He is going to offer support to people who regularly attend hospital due to alcohol problems. Excellent, just what staggering drunks need, support. Compared with the NE and NW of England, the East and Southeast had the fewest problems. Could it be because they have a vast array of leisure facilities providing a varied and entertaining level of interest. This is at the opposite end of the spectrum to places 'oop north' like our own delightful Borough where the only entertainment at the myriad booze fuelling stations, is provided by the proprietors stuffing as much booze down your throat in as short a time as possible whilst assaulting you with the ear splitting blast of what the con artists providing it, call music. Stato and your fuckwad friends in the concrete pillock box, quite simply people drink too much in this town for one simple reason. THERE IS FUCK ALL ELSE TO DO! Stop looking for excuses for the corporate fuck up in this town. Provide some leisure facilities!
...And nearly finally Dr Ruth Hussey, regional director of public health and busybodying said: 'We are once again reminded of the terrible burden the abuse of alcohol causes residents of the North West.
...And finally, Eddy Skinfull, reasonable drinker of anything going said: 'We are once again reminded of the terrible brain freeze the nannying by Dr Rude Hussy and Stato Higgins causes to topers of the North West.
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